26 January 2012

Mommy meltdown

Being a mom is hard work. This is something I've always known - having had a mother myself and having seen some of my closest friends struggle through the ups and downs of motherhood. But boy oh boy, it's only when you start living it that it becomes really real!

My baby boy has suddenly turned into the cutest, spunkiest, busiest little person I have ever met! He has gone from being a smiley, shy, little baby to being my (mostly) smiley, quite outgoing, very outspoken little toddler! It feels like it happened overnight.

The other day I had what can only be reffered to as a mommy meltdown. It was during lunch time after he threw his food on the floor and and screamed and wailed for what felt like the hundreth time that day. I just fell apart. I was so angry with him - and then seconds later I was riddled with guilt for being angry at him. There had to be something wrong - he wasn't normally like this - but I couldn't figure out what it was.

After getting really mad at him and then bursting into tears myself, I finally took him to his room, spread some toys out and basically just let him do whatever he wanted for a few minutes, with me right there on the floor beside him. He calmed down quickly and I did too. Eventually.

It turned out that there was nothing wrong with him. He was just having what we now refer to as an 'off day'. We are getting quite accustomed to these (as much as you can) in our home: the temper flare-ups, screaming hysterically when he can't get his own way and just generally being waaaay more niggly and tearful than he's ever been! I know that this is probably just par-for-the-course at this age. All the books say it is. I know he's also probably starting to cut molars and they could be worrying him - I know all of this, but it doesn't make it any easier.

All I want is to be a good mommy. He is the most imporant person in my life and being his mom is the most important job I've ever been given. But no matter how many books I read, or how many moms I talk to, I can't stop questioning myself, ever. I am constantly wondering if he's okay, if I'm doing things right - and if this is ever going to get easier!?

It doesn't help that I don't have the one person I want to pose these questions to here with me anymore. I ask her in my prayers at night though.

Motherhood is hard and nothing has ever made me feel quite as challenged and defeated at times.

But it is also rewarding. My little boy showered me with kisses yesterday afternoon when I got home from work. He took my face in his hands and kissed his mommy over and over (well, he leant in with his mouth wide open and let me kiss him - but that's kisses as far as I'm concerned :).

Motherhood may be hard, but it is also wonderful...and nothing has ever made me feel as fulfilled and filled-to-the-brim with love. Ever.

The love of my life

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