Some days are just hard. I can't always explain why a day is hard...it just is. Sometimes it starts off okay and then someone or something will remind me of you - and the rest of the day is just unbearable. Everything makes me cry. It scares me how something really small can throw me off so entirely - to the point where I can't seem to 'get it together' for the rest of the day. I guess that's what grief does to you.
Yesterday was one of 'those' days. I woke up with a horribly sore throat and a crazy sinus headache and I knew that the mean bug that's been doing its rounds had finally caught up with me. This was my first experience of being sick and having a little one to look after - and it's not easy. Everything in your body is telling you to sleep and rest and yet there is still this overwhelming desire to care for, entertain and cuddle your little sausage...it's not fun.
But, while I'm sure the horrible flu didn't help matters, that was not what made me sad. No, what made me sad was the realisation that my little N is going to be six months old next week. Six months. That's half a year that he has been in my life. Half a year that you have missed. He is already completely weaned off of the breast now. He is eating three solid meals a day - and absolutely loving it. He is nearly triple his birth weight. And you've missed it all.
It gives me such an overwhelming sense of sadness to think that you haven't been here for all of this. Sometimes I feel like I can barely breathe. You were so excited to meet him. You wanted me to have a baby before I even knew I wanted to have a baby. Now our baby is becoming a toddler, and you've missed it. Sometimes I just want to freeze time. I look ahead to all the special moments that are coming in the near future - his first tooth, his first words, his first birthday, his first steps...you are going to miss them all.
You have been gone for nine months. Saying that out loud seems ridiculous. I have cried every day for the past nine months. That's a lot of tears. And to be honest, I'm really tired of crying. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of grieving.
I just wish I knew how to make the sad go away.
I wish I knew how to stop missing you.