14 September 2011

Am I doing this right?

I have asked myself this question every single day since he was born. And I can't help but wonder when I will stop questioning myself. When will I just believe that I know what I'm doing, and that I know how to be a good mom? I doubt ever.

Being a mother is, without a doubt, the scariest, most demanding yet incredibly amazing and rewarding thing I've ever done. Let me tell you, it's exhausting being filled with such instense, conflicting emotions every day. There are so many things that I question: Am I feeding him the right foods, enough food? Is he sleeping enough, or too much? Should I worry more about the hemangioma on his side? Is he a happy baby? Is he developing at the right rate? Do I stimulate him enough? Or too much? It. Is. Exhausting.

Of course there are people I could (and do) ask. There are books and websites that I could (and do) read. But no matter what they say, I wish I could just feel, in my gut, that I'm doing the right things. I want to know, beyond all doubt, that I making the right decisions for him. They say that when you become a mother your 'maternal instinct' kicks in immediately and you know what's right for your child. I say "what crap!"

Something definitely does kick in when you become a mom. For me it was an insanely overwhelming instinct to protect my child from any and everything. But that doesn't mean you immediately know how to breastfeed...or whether you're dressing your child warm enough or too warmly...or why your baby is crying at 3am when you know they aren't in pain, hungry, too hot or too cold!

This is the most important job I've ever done and I have no way of knowing if I'm doing it correctly. I know I'm trying my best. I know I lie awake every night and question whether I've done the absolute best I could do for him that day...

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